Paranoia

Revision as of 17:32, 16 June 2013

Now Commencing

PARANOIA. . .

SECURITY CLEARANCEv INFRARED— CLEARED FOR ALL CITIZENS

May I be of assistance?

Sure. Why don’t you tell me how this roleplaying game works?

I’m sorry, citizen. That information is not available at this time.

Huh? Most games are really eager to teach you the rules.

Not PARANOIA. In PARANOIA you don’t know the rules. You don’t know who your enemies are. You don’t know how your equipment works. You’re never sure why you’re doing anything. One thing you do know: Everyone is out to get you.

Ignorance and fear; fear and ignorance. These are your watchwords.

Uhh... The back cover says something about a computer.

In PARANOIA you play a Troubleshooter in service to The Computer. Trust The Computer! The Computer is your friend! You are The Computer’s trusted agent and protector of Alpha Complex, The Computer’s underground city of the far future.

Why am I a Troubleshooter?

You turned in a friend for treason. The Computer had him executed for betraying Alpha Complex. The Computer rewarded you for your loyalty. Now you root out all traitors and apprehend or execute them. You uncover corruption among The Computer’s servants and turn them into Internal Security. You find trouble and you shoot it.

What’s a ‘traitor’?

A traitor is a malevolent human citizen who has betrayed his friend The Computer and seeks to destroy The Computer, Alpha Complex, humanity and life as we know it. You must unmask and destroy all traitors. Watch out! Traitors are everywhere!

Mutants are traitors. These genetic freaks have uncontrollable abilities they selfishly use for their own advancement, rather than to serve Alpha Complex. You must subdue or eliminate them.

Members of secret societies are traitors. In organizations unsanctioned by The Computer they conspire irresponsibly to undermine the good order of Alpha Complex. You must destroy them.

By the way... you are a mutant and a member of a secret society. You are a traitor.

Wait, I’m a traitor?

That is correct . Your fellow Troubleshooters would be eager to unmask you as a traitor and execute you. You work with many Troubleshooters. They all carry powerful weapons.

Let me get this straight. My job is to hunt and kill traitors. I work with other people who have the same orders. They all want to kill me?

Not quite. They all want to kill traitors. They don’t know you’re a Commie mutant traitor. Yet.

If they find out?

They’ll apprehend or kill you, as any right-thinking citizen would. Of course, if you convict them of treason first, The Computer will have them executed and you may survive. Note, though, false accusations of treason are themselves treason.

So I want to prove they’re traitors before they can prove I’m a traitor. If I don’t, I die?

Precisely. Dead traitors cannot testify to their own innocence or to your guilt. It is convenient to be the last Troubleshooter on your team left alive.

The good news is, Troubleshooters routinely get shot, stabbed, incinerated, mangled, poisoned, blown to bits and occasionally stapled, so you have many opportunities to ensure your teammates meet their just end.

Stay alert! Trust no one! Keep your laser handy!

...Are you sure this will be fun?

Certainly, citizen! Fun is mandatory. The Computer says so and The Computer is your friend. Do you doubt The Computer? Doubting The Computer is treason.

Uh! No, certainly not. If The Computer says fun is mandatory, then this certainly will be fun. Only a Commie mutant traitor could believe otherwise.